“What’s going on in there?” Oscar asks from the other side of my office doors. He might also be wondering about the explosion of boxes and activity and energy that’s filled the house, and my mind and soul, over the past few weeks. Truth be told, I’m almost as stunned by it all as he!
No, we’re not moving. But things are moving…clutter, blocked energy, preconceived concepts, old ideas about myself and my creativity. “Hindsight is 20/20” and I can look back now over the past couple years and see the subtle awakenings and shiftings in myself; the emerging longterm effects of living in a politically-ravaged nation…a fire-ravaged community…an expectation-ravaged creative soul; and the chance encounters with people and places that weren’t chance at all but the Universe nudging me a new direction. And when I look back as far as hindsight will allow, I see my husband standing in the kitchen saying to me, “Maybe you’re not the writer you think you are.”
Those words sound harsh, and they were, but not for the reasons you might think. He had been sharing with me the surprises of his own creative journey. He had suddenly realized after so many years of thinking he was one type of musician–that played a certain type of music on a certain type of guitar and equipment but with little creative fulfillment–that he was really a different type of musician altogether. By abandoning these preconceived notions and allowing himself to gravitate toward what felt good and got him excited, he’d found joy and fulfillment where he would never have expected. So, in that moment in the kitchen, as I bemoaned the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to write, to finish current projects or move forward on new ones, that creativity felt like an anchor rather than a sail, he said, “Maybe it’s the same for you, thinking you’re one thing when really, if you give yourself the freedom to just experiment, you’ll find you’re really something else. After all,” he ended, “it shouldn’t feel like work.”
It took two more years of creative anemia and frustration to let that idea sink in…to be fairly considered and processed. Because the realization, that what you’ve painstakingly shaped yourself into isn’t necessarily who you really are, is painful. Now, don’t feel sorry for me! This soul-searching and journey has been such a blessing. Because what I’ve realized is that while I love mysteries and I loved writing one, I don’t necessarily want to write another one. At least not right now. And I don’t want my creativity so narrowly defined. For some time there have been other projects and other types of writing that have lived in my heart and imagination, but I’ve pushed them away because they didn’t fit into the mold I’d squeezed my creative self into. I’ve finally realized that not only is it okay for me to pursue them…I’m supposed to!
So what does this all mean? It means, I’ve burst from a box I didn’t realize I’d been confined to…a box I’m not trashing, but lovingly setting aside for awhile. It means that I’m finally giving attention to the fights and passions that get me energized and speaking and creating rather than pushing them away. It means I’m walking forward…with baby steps and fewer expectations and more joy. And in the most concrete terms, it means I’m working on a new website and project to be launched on Earth Day! Don’t fear…this site, shelleymasini.com, and its blog will remain active as my author’s website and voice, though it will also be revamped to be more inline with these realizations and new path.
And that, dear Oscar and dear friends, is what’s going on in here! Stay tuned with me.